Cannot Sleep

Well tonight of all nights I cannot sleep. It is murder when my brain is rushing at 100 miles per hour and I cannot switch it off!

Now that my blog with Cheryl is linked to this blog I am sure people will have read that I suffer from Bipolar II. Hence the impulsivness over the Uggs!!!

Part of my "disease" in fact a HUGE part is that I normally am "high". I don't do depression so much it is more of a case of me being up and not being able to come down.

I am on new meds since my diagnosis - my previous diagnosis which has stuck me for years was Borderline Personality Disorder aka "we don't know what the hell is wrong with you"!!! So I have started taking Sodium Valporate now which I have to take at 10 o'clock each night due to the sedative effect!!! What sedative effect - I am wide awake!! I feel like I could paint tonight if it were possible but it aint because Ruaraidh is sleeping in my bed and that is the last room that needs painting! Typical - got the energy but cannot do anything with it.

Some of my friends thought the Grand Canyon trek was one of my 'crazy ideas' again. In fact, it was Chezzy who suggested it to her bipolar mate who ran with it immediately. I love her so much and she knows when I am on form, I truly can get things done.

Farepak going bust in 2006 came at a very welcoming period of my life. I had actually been "well" for several years but was beginning to feel majorly bored then all of a sudden "poof" Farepak went bust and here I was with all the knowledge of Company and Insolvency law. Farepak gave me a boost, a boost I sooooooooooo needed and I grabbed hold of it with both hands. Little did I know that Farepak would actually become a catalyst for a downhill struggle in my life. Had I know that then would I have done the same again? Hell yeh because I helped people and at the time it was a mission that kept me going for months. People asked "when does Suzy sleep". The answer to that was simple - I did not sleep much at all. Come January 2007 when the "Christmas Story" was over was when I began to fall into the rut of depression.

I don't know about others who live with bipolar but for myself, the up's are the best time not the down's. With the up's comes consequences as well though. I spent copious amounts of money from 2007 onwards and did not even question what I was doing. I thought it was "normal". Shoes, handbags, clothes, lavish holidays - changed the car 3 times in 3 years - for me that was all normal!

I know understand how reality television people feel. When the media need and want you they will chase you to Land's End. When your time of being used is finished, they drop you like a bombshell! It is not nice being involved in "games" with the media.

And so here I am now on 31 December 2010 about to move into another decade rambling away. I do ramble alot when I am "high". I don't know why I did not want to come out and say "hey I am bipolar". Perhaps I was scared. Perhaps I though I would be treated differently. It is a very real illness and people closest to me know the signs to look out for - thank god because I cannot tell.

I truly believe the Grand Canyon trek will give me a positive mission - I love mission's - it is something I strive on being good to other people. I adore my children but being able to have another purpose other than "mum" is what I need. Missions need to be closely scrutinised these days in order to make sure it is an appropriate mission and the Grand Canyon certainly is that.

So there you go, I cannot sleep as I am elevated. I have rambled on about bipolar and also talked about the Grand Canyon. I am wondering now if I should take Jo's advice (she is my friend on Facebook) and give it till 1.30 a.m. before I try and sleep again - heck it is only 10 minutes away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!