On the up again? Perhaps not!!!!

I am feeling all sorts of emotions right now and I don't like it.  I detest when I am basically "all over the place" when it comes to my mind.

With the Grand Canyon trip almost at £1,000 right now, I feel like I should be happy and yes I am but at the same time, I am not.  I feel very sad that Cheryl dropped out.  I really don't feel that it is appropriate to go into the in's and outs of why we are doing it separately (although not sure if Cheryl is even doing it now) here on a blog for all to see.  I guess what I can say is we had a huge difference of opinions which made us both split down the middle.  Now some of my friends say "move on, forget about her............." that is not quite so easy to do.  Other people say "what was your relationship with her, think about it................"!  It is difficult when friends believe they are helping you by pointing out things that THEY expect you to see and it makes the grieving process (I am at the end of a relationship and should be allowed to grieve) all the more difficult.

Also my medication had to be lowered - my mood stabiliser due to the fact that when I started taking the 600mg on top of all the other medication, I was effectively comatosed during the night.  Not good at all when I am a single parent with children to look after.  My psychiatrist now wants to meet me to discuss the lowering of my anti depressant, which I am all for as the dosage I am on should apparently knock out a horse and it aint doing that too me!  Apparently if they lower the anti depressant it helps with the mood stabiliser which I would say is the most important thing considering my mood is mainly "ups".  I think that is why I am finding it so hard being depressed at present as my depressive episodes are very, very, very few and I am not used to it at all.  The last time I had SEVERE depression was probably back about 9 years ago now and it lasted a damn long time.

My weight has been a huge issue also.  I had went down to just under 11 stone then in the space of 6 weeks had shot up back over 12 stone.  My medication has a lot to answer for that also.  It is not the medication that makes you put on weight but the cravings that the medication gives you.  I am however thankful to point out that due to walking with Michelle this week in training for the Grand Canyon trek that I have lost 2lbs.  I am also trying very hard to watch what I eat.

I am very tearful also and the slightest thing can set me off.  This truly is a side of bi-polar that I do not like in the slightest.  So, having lowered my Valporate by 300mg we shall see what happens.  The only difference I have noticed so far is I am not comatosed every single night and during the day I am feeling a little more anxious and irritated. 

Oh the joys of mental health eh!

A Sign Was Sent

There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So, love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of LIFE...Getting back up is LIVING.........Re-post if you agree; I just did xx

Still not feeling wonderful

I was hoping by now that my mood would have lifted a little but unfortunately due to various factors over the past few days, it has kind of sunk a bit lower.

I am grouchy, miserable, tearful and just generally feeling socially disoriented.  It is at times like this that I totally and utterly despise bi-polar, reach for my meds which give me no solace whatsoever.  These are the times my head leans heavily into my hands, my hair is constantly swept back off my face and the only safe place for me is to go and lie down in bed and hide.

How must the kids feel?  They must have an understanding as even although I hide my feelings behind my "mask" I am a different person outwardly.  Right now they are very happy playing Super Mario Galaxy as they have opened a new world.  They were also delighted with dinner - sausage roll (from Greggs) beans and chip shop chips oh and a Belgian bun to finish off.  Not exactly a healthy dinner, is it?

Whilst they play, I sit here in the dark with my huge mug of coffee sitting beside me whilst I type away.  My caffeine intake I feel is utterly incredulous and more than likely paves the way to my "not sleeping at night" especially considering my GP states that the tablets I am on should "knock out a horse"!!  Believe me, I do not have four legs, a mane and a tail!

I am in "No Man's Land" right now.  It is a strange place to be.  I am sure other people have experienced this "land".  For me I am alone yet I can hear and see the children albeit muffled.  I can choose to go back towards the light or carry on forwards to the dark.  I may venture down towards the dark a little but there is something stupendous within me that always and I really mean ALWAYS, brings me back from the brink of falling completely into the dark hole.  Is it because I have already experienced "hell" many years ago and made it home safely?  Who knows, the most important thing is that I do not go there again.

I really could do with a cigarette right now.  I have none and have not had any in over 3 weeks now.  It is time to say "tripe, tripe, tripe" and hey, it has worked.  I absolutely cannot stand the smell of tripe so everytime I crave a cigarette, I think of the smell of tripe - disgusting!  I am using my inhalator right now (which I have not used in a while) as my craving is powerful!  I will not buckle though, no way.

I have a lot going on right now so it is completely understandable that I am a little over the place so to speak.  However, I have to be honest and say that there is someone who has hurt me so badly and I really did not think that person could say such vile things but obviously I was wrong.  I have a lot to learn about "friendships" even although I am 40 now!

I feel like crap!!!!

Whey hey, I feel like crap.  Bipolar brain working overtime the past few days and boy does it make me exhausted, high, crap feelings, basically shite!

I am feeling so bad about my soul mates mother right now nothing can leave my mind.  Not him, nor his mother, nor the rest of the family.

Try imagine lying in bed at night with your mind going ten to the dozen and then multiply that by 100 - that is how I feel right now!

I can't do anything - I don't want to phone him because the situation is awkward.  I have text him and to be fair he has text back saying "he needs to concentrate on his mother" and I know that but it don't make me feel like not feeling shit.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and all this shit will disappear but it won't because I have no magic wand to wave :o(

I guess right now the best thing I can do is let him get on with it in his own way.  There is nothing else I can do - nothing.  That stinks especially, when like me, you are a "do-er".

Best thing for me tonight - bed!!!

Goodnight everyone and remember just how precious life actually is!