On the up again? Perhaps not!!!!

I am feeling all sorts of emotions right now and I don't like it.  I detest when I am basically "all over the place" when it comes to my mind.

With the Grand Canyon trip almost at £1,000 right now, I feel like I should be happy and yes I am but at the same time, I am not.  I feel very sad that Cheryl dropped out.  I really don't feel that it is appropriate to go into the in's and outs of why we are doing it separately (although not sure if Cheryl is even doing it now) here on a blog for all to see.  I guess what I can say is we had a huge difference of opinions which made us both split down the middle.  Now some of my friends say "move on, forget about her............." that is not quite so easy to do.  Other people say "what was your relationship with her, think about it................"!  It is difficult when friends believe they are helping you by pointing out things that THEY expect you to see and it makes the grieving process (I am at the end of a relationship and should be allowed to grieve) all the more difficult.

Also my medication had to be lowered - my mood stabiliser due to the fact that when I started taking the 600mg on top of all the other medication, I was effectively comatosed during the night.  Not good at all when I am a single parent with children to look after.  My psychiatrist now wants to meet me to discuss the lowering of my anti depressant, which I am all for as the dosage I am on should apparently knock out a horse and it aint doing that too me!  Apparently if they lower the anti depressant it helps with the mood stabiliser which I would say is the most important thing considering my mood is mainly "ups".  I think that is why I am finding it so hard being depressed at present as my depressive episodes are very, very, very few and I am not used to it at all.  The last time I had SEVERE depression was probably back about 9 years ago now and it lasted a damn long time.

My weight has been a huge issue also.  I had went down to just under 11 stone then in the space of 6 weeks had shot up back over 12 stone.  My medication has a lot to answer for that also.  It is not the medication that makes you put on weight but the cravings that the medication gives you.  I am however thankful to point out that due to walking with Michelle this week in training for the Grand Canyon trek that I have lost 2lbs.  I am also trying very hard to watch what I eat.

I am very tearful also and the slightest thing can set me off.  This truly is a side of bi-polar that I do not like in the slightest.  So, having lowered my Valporate by 300mg we shall see what happens.  The only difference I have noticed so far is I am not comatosed every single night and during the day I am feeling a little more anxious and irritated. 

Oh the joys of mental health eh!