Still not feeling wonderful

I was hoping by now that my mood would have lifted a little but unfortunately due to various factors over the past few days, it has kind of sunk a bit lower.

I am grouchy, miserable, tearful and just generally feeling socially disoriented.  It is at times like this that I totally and utterly despise bi-polar, reach for my meds which give me no solace whatsoever.  These are the times my head leans heavily into my hands, my hair is constantly swept back off my face and the only safe place for me is to go and lie down in bed and hide.

How must the kids feel?  They must have an understanding as even although I hide my feelings behind my "mask" I am a different person outwardly.  Right now they are very happy playing Super Mario Galaxy as they have opened a new world.  They were also delighted with dinner - sausage roll (from Greggs) beans and chip shop chips oh and a Belgian bun to finish off.  Not exactly a healthy dinner, is it?

Whilst they play, I sit here in the dark with my huge mug of coffee sitting beside me whilst I type away.  My caffeine intake I feel is utterly incredulous and more than likely paves the way to my "not sleeping at night" especially considering my GP states that the tablets I am on should "knock out a horse"!!  Believe me, I do not have four legs, a mane and a tail!

I am in "No Man's Land" right now.  It is a strange place to be.  I am sure other people have experienced this "land".  For me I am alone yet I can hear and see the children albeit muffled.  I can choose to go back towards the light or carry on forwards to the dark.  I may venture down towards the dark a little but there is something stupendous within me that always and I really mean ALWAYS, brings me back from the brink of falling completely into the dark hole.  Is it because I have already experienced "hell" many years ago and made it home safely?  Who knows, the most important thing is that I do not go there again.

I really could do with a cigarette right now.  I have none and have not had any in over 3 weeks now.  It is time to say "tripe, tripe, tripe" and hey, it has worked.  I absolutely cannot stand the smell of tripe so everytime I crave a cigarette, I think of the smell of tripe - disgusting!  I am using my inhalator right now (which I have not used in a while) as my craving is powerful!  I will not buckle though, no way.

I have a lot going on right now so it is completely understandable that I am a little over the place so to speak.  However, I have to be honest and say that there is someone who has hurt me so badly and I really did not think that person could say such vile things but obviously I was wrong.  I have a lot to learn about "friendships" even although I am 40 now!